Dear So and So...

Dear Angelina Jolie,

Could you please stop acting so saintlike and go back to being a freak? I liked you much better that way.

Thanks,
A Jealous Disgruntled Bystander


Dear Retail Establishments,

Christmas is not meant to be a six-month selling season. I do not want to see fake pine trees while shopping for tulips. Do you think you could dial it down a notch and keep it locked up till after Halloween? Otherwise, I'm afraid my daughter will think we go trick or treating on Christmas Eve.

Sincerely,
Hating on Christmas


Dear Environmentalists,

I realize global warming is a real problem, and that we all need to do our part to save Mother Earth, but reusable toilet cloths? Are going too far. I'm really not on board with cloth menstrual napkins, either. My period already puts me in a bad mood. I don't need to spend that horrid week rinsing out bloody pads to make it worse.

Sincerely,
A Charmin Lover


Dear Immune System,

You are going to have to step it up. Getting sick twice in the span of a month is simply not acceptable. My coworkers are starting to joke that I have the plague. Keep it up and they're going to quarantine us. And as much as I like you? I really need more social interaction.

Thanks,
Your Body


Dear Oprah,

I'm just waiting for the day you slip and reveal that you actually kill puppies in your spare time. Nobody is that perfect. By the way? The minute you add a novel to your book club? I put it on my Do Not Read list. It's just my way of fighting back against the Woman.

Sincerely,
Waiting Anxiously

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