So This is What Exhaustion Is.

Spend even the briefest span of time with this blog, and you'll come away with one overriding message - since I started this, when my pregnancy began, I have been TIRED.

Before I had this baby, I thought I was exhausted. But no. At the time, I didn't really know what the meaning of exhaustion was.

See, B.T. (Before Tori), I could make allowances for my tiredness. If I was up in the middle of the night, I could hit the snooze button in the morning (sometimes three or four or nine times). I could call in late to work. And once I got there, I could spend most of the day in a zoned out haze, only rousing myself when a deadline approached (that's when I do my best work anyway).

But now? There is no snooze. No calling in. No spacing out when work needs to be done. My boss is the most demanding person I have ever met. And she wants what she wants, when she wants it, or there is hell (in the form of shattered eardrums and shredded nerves) to pay.

So I, a woman who has always needed her sleep to function properly, find myself running on 3 or 4 - maybe 5 hours of sleep if I'm lucky (but not in solid chunks). The result? A level of tiredness so deep, I don't even bother making coffee anymore.

There's just no point. It doesn't penetrate the fog.

And now I know what exhausted really means.

But you know what? I'm rising to the occasion (mostly). Sure, sometimes I forget what day it is. Or whether I've taken a shower, eaten breakfast or brushed my teeth. And sometimes, the most basic facts and vocabulary words escape me.

But I still manage to rouse myself at the first pre-sob hiccup. And so far, she's gotten fed, changed and bathed regularly. I'd even mention that I haven't tripped over my feet and fallen while carrying her, but that would be tempting fate.

And tonight? Well, I'm told it's Friday, which means my husband can take the 3 a.m. feeding (that stretches till 5, most days). In fact, he's telling me I should go to bed right now - apparently, I'm in a foul mood.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have recovered enough brain cells to be able to think of a clever way to end this post. But for now? I think I'll just say good night.