Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Seven Things That Suck About Indiana.

Oh, Indiana. Home to...corn fields. Lots of corn fields. And pharmaceutical companies. You are a very lovely state. One I'm usually happy to call home (but then I'm from Detroit, so you know. That's not saying much).

But right now? You're kind of on my shit list. And here are seven reasons why.

Holy crap, the humidity. I don't know if you've noticed, Indiana, but it's only June. Not even late June. But the humidity out there? Feels like August in Southern Florida. Do you think you could turn it down a notch or five? Because I'd like to go outside at some point before it turns into winter again.

Tractors should not be allowed on regular roads. Ever. Nothing makes me angrier than having to slow down to negative five miles an hour because some stupid farmer decides to take his two-story-tall tractor out for a drive down the highway (and it happens. frequently).

Enough with the damn thunderstorms.  Five nights in a row? Really? And tornadoes on the ground to boot? This is not the vacation weather I ordered up, dang it. Cut it out!

Your most interesting city is as boring as Law and Order (the TV show).  I'm talking, of course, about Indianapolis. Home of chain restaurants, chain stores and...well, I'm sure there's something interesting to see, but the whole town seems geared toward the Midwestern conventioneers who couldn't afford Vegas (i.e., short on staycation fun).

Why do you have to be so damn rocky? Why is the whole dang state (or at least this portion of it) have to be one solid bed of rock? Because if you didn't know, basements are a handy thing to have when it's tornado-ing out. I may have to look into finishing my crawl space.

Could you do something about the mullets? There are a lot of them. He-mullets, she-mullets, toddler-mullets—even old, balding guy mullets. Someday, they'll come back in style, but for now? The mullet aficionados are making the rest of us look bad.

Diversity. Learn the word—then apply it to your populace. If there is a more white bread place on the planet, I haven't seen it yet. We are lucky that our neighborhood is home to people of multiple races, but on the whole? A face that isn't Caucasian is rare enough to turn heads. That's just weird.

I could go on. But then I'd just be feeding into the stereotypes (even more than I already am), so I'll shut up. Instead, I'll turn the tables on you. What annoys you about your state?

12 comments:

  1. This makes me laugh! Makes me want to get on a plane and fly right to...Detroit. At least they have diversity - and great Greek food!

    Let's see..what annoys me about California? I'd have to pick Southern California, since the state is so big and different. Maybe THAT'S annoying?

    1) No weather. Sun. All. The. Time. Except when you go to the beach, and there's a big marine layer and it's all gloomy. That sucks. Annoying!

    2) Expensive! You should see the kind of place we could buy in, say, Indiana!

    3) Fake boobs, botox, butt implants - need I say more?

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  2. Thanks for visiting my blog! I thought I'd check yours out too. Me likey! I'm now a follower!

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  3. I would love to visit Indiana to see how many of these things I notice!

    I live in Alaska, which can get pretty annoying.

    (1) Winter. Ugh. I don't mind the snow and ice quiiiite as much as I mind the cold. And it gets dang cold. 20 degrees below zero is about as cold as I can handle it. Anything below that and I want to make like a humpback whale and winter in Hawaii!

    (2) Summer. Ugh. 18+ hours of sunlight every day makes it hard for my kids to get a good night's sleep--I've gotten used to the many hours of daylight and have no trouble sleeping when it's still bright at 2:00am. But the kids? They are not pleasant when they're tired.

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  4. Oh, that was wonderful.

    What a great idea for a post.

    LOVE the mullets section!

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  5. Oh Amber, please take it back....please!!? The mullet just canNOT come back into style. It just can't! Unless it's a choice between the mullet or the rat tail, I guess it is the lesser of two evils, but still...

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  6. I live in a farm area too. The other day a tractor was driving down the 4-lane highway. COME ON!! Is that not ridiculous? There are other smaller side roads that he could have driven on.

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  7. On your diversity bit....There is that place in South Africa that is 100% white. You have to apply to become a citizen in that place. I think it's called Ocarina or something like that. Talk about a MAJOR need in diversity!

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  8. Oh oh, can I play? Because I haaaatttee Arizona.

    1) There is no need for weathermen (meteorologists?) in AZ. "Today it's going to be 118 and hot. Don't touch anything on your car, including the steering wheel. Learn to drive by osmosis."

    2) Half the people from California moved here to get better home prices and then defaulted on their loans, which brough my housing worth WAAAAY down. Thanks, Cali. Another reason to vote you off the island.

    3) A backyard made entirely of rocks? Who thinks that is a good idea for a kid to play in??

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  9. hmm, for me, it has be the few people who give the entire state of NJ a bad rap. Let the record show that not everyone who lives here and is Italian is in the mob and no, not everyone looks like Snookie or The Situation. sheesh!

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  10. Um, jsyk every. single. one. of those apply to IOWA too!!! (with maybe the exception of rocky) loved this post. Hilarious.

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  11. LOL!! I happened to notice the "stupid farmer" comment. My soon to be ex-husband is a farmer, and we used to joke because when I met him I had the same idea you did about being stuck behind them.... But I learned the hard way...If a farmer is on the highway it is because they have to be, it is not fun for them either. Sometimes it took us all day just moving equipment from one farm to the other, *hours just to travel a few miles* it is a very SLOW moving occupation, you have to be very patient (no wonder he is an ex, right? cause I have zero patience and hate to wait on anything).. Believe me though, if I had never "lived" life with a farmer, I would still have the same opinion everyone else does, I just saw the struggles first hand.

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  12. Very funny!

    I personally liked Indiana when I visited for a summer. I was fifteen and boy crazy and those Indiana boys sure liked the girl from California.

    But that's about the only good thing I remember about it! And maybe Dairy Queen!

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