Monday, March 15, 2010

A Visit With A Little Green Monster.

One evening not too terribly long ago, I sat snuggled up on the couch with a nice glass of wine when an unexpected visitor plopped down next to me.

LITTLE GREEN MONSTER: Hey, whatcha drinking there?

ME: Wine.

MONSTER: Out of a plastic cup?

ME: The good glasses are in the dishwasher. And besides, who cares? It tastes the same no matter what you drink it out of.

MONSTER: I dunno. It just seems a little pathetic. I'll bet Melissa never drinks wine out of dixie cups.

ME: How would you know?

MONSTER: I'm just guessing. But a little birdy told me she has a cleaning service come in twice a week, so there's probably no shortage of clean glasses.

ME: A  maid? Well...good for her. She works hard. She deserves it.

MONSTER: Just like Tabitha deserved that European vacation, right? Just months after her Jamaican escape?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

MONSTER: Hey, did you hear about Jeremy's new job?

ME: No. He got a new job? That's great. Where at?

MONSTER: I don't remember the agency. But he's already hard at work concepting a Super Bowl commercial for next year.

ME: Him? A Super Bowl commercial? But I'm ten times as talented as he is. That conceited ha-(PAUSES AND BREATHES DEEPLY). I awesome. I'm sure he'll do great.

MONSTER: Yep. He's got it made. Kinda like Cindy.

ME: Cindy?

MONSTER: You didn't know? She met a millionaire on the set of that reality TV show she was doing. Now they're getting married and moving to Hawaii. I hear there's already a bun in the oven, if you know what I'm sayin'.

ME (MUTTERING): We'll see how much he likes her when she's carrying 25 pounds of baby weight two years from now....

MONSTER: What was that?

ME: Ummmm, nothing. Nothing at all. Just wondering what I should get them for a wedding gift.

MONSTER: Not sure. Maybe you should go in with Jackie on something.

ME: You're right, I should. I haven't talked to her since she had her baby. It'd be a good excuse to give her a call.

MONSTER: Well, if you decide to get together, meet somewhere that's not too crowded. Otherwise you won't recognize her.

ME: What are you talking about? Of course I will - I've known her for 15 years!

MONSTER: Yeah, but you've never seen her this thin. She's down to a size two now.

ME: What? But her baby's only five months old. How is that possible?

MONSTER: When Paramount bought the rights to that book she wrote, she figured she better slim down before Hollywood came calling.

ME: She's got a movie deal? But that's not fair! She's not even a real writer—she just did it to pass the time while she was on bed rest. I've been writing since the third grade, and what do I have to show for it?

MONSTER: An ulcer and a mountain of debt?


MONSTER: Hey, where you going?

ME: To the store. I need some more wine.

MONSTER: Well, you'll have to walk. Your car's in the shop, remember?

ME: Go away. I hate you!

MONSTER: Aaaaand my job here is done. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
 ME (THROWING PILLOW AT MONSTER'S BACK): Enjoy your spot in hell!



  1. I loved this :) You truly have a great talent-it made my day.

  2. Man, been there. Minus the knowing people who get movies made of their books and reality tv shows and stuff. Maybe you need less impressive friends? :OP

  3. You'd like living in Alaska. Except most of us just drink the wine straight from the bottle... What?

  4. Don't worry, your time will come. Of course, I say this from my menial little ad job where I totally don't feel appreciated.
    Who knows, maybe someone is on their couch right now with their green eyed monster looking at you.

  5. Where do you meet all these facinating people?

  6. I hate to break this to you, kids, but my friends are not that fascinating. I was indulging in a little hyperbole, if you will...talking about the things I'm really envious of would only get me in trouble.

  7. it's like you're me. let's go drown our sorrows and crack open a box of wine if you're game.

  8. That made me laugh, and then cry a little bit. I go through this all the time. It's hard not to want what other people have, isn't it?

  9. Isn't life grand!? Ahh..laugh, cry and such.

  10. Please tell me this is all fiction or I'm going to have a visit from the little green monster too!

  11. This is an awesome post. That green makes an appearance in my life, every once in a while, too!

  12. Be gone green monster!
    Do you think people who own mega yachts are really happy? surely not. hahaha

  13. aah hahahaha! Friggin' Green Monster. Told him if he ever visited here again I'd make him turn purple. Sorry he came to visit you. I swear I didn't send him!

  14. Such a great idea for a post.

    And, for the record, I totally got that you were making up these characters. I mean, I am sure that whatever friend you have in advertising is doing something WAY better than just the Superbowl. ;)


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