Thursday, February 18, 2010

Writer's Workshop: You Know You Live in a Small Town When...



It was a busy Friday afternoon at a popular downtown cafe. Brian and I were enjoying a leisurely, baby-free lunch, eavesdropping on the people around us (as we like to do), when the grad student-type person sitting next to us got up and walked away.

BRIAN: Amber, check this out.

ME: Oh, don't worry. I already saw the sorority sluts. And no, I am not going to get a pair of stiletto whore boots like those.

BRIAN:  They are pretty hot, but that's not what I'm talking about. Look at the table next to us.

ME: What? What am I supposed to be looking at?

BRIAN: Open your eyes, woman. Don't you see the computer? And the iPhone?

ME: Yeah, so?

BRIAN: So that guy just got up and left that stuff there.

ME: Well, maybe he really had to pee or something. He has been drinking a lot of coffee.

BRIAN: Yeah, but that's an iPhone. Anyone could steal it!

ME: Shhhh. He's coming back.

We quickly looked away, trying to pretend we hadn't been staring at his stuff.

ME (LOUDER): Yeah, so I thought maybe we could go see that movie this afternoon.

BRIAN: Movie??? But I thought you wanted to furniture shop...

ME: I dunno. We should keep our options open...wait, is he leaving again?

He was. And this time, he left more stuff out on the table.


BRIAN: Want to go rob his house? He left his keys for us this time.

ME: Who needs a key? He probably left the door open for us.

BRIAN: Right. Although if this is the way he treats his stuff, there's probably not much left to steal, anyway.

ME: No kidding. I mean, I know this is a small town and all, but it's not like we live in Mr. Roger's neighborhood or something. People take shit.

BRIAN: Shhhhh.

Brian started picking at his dessert while I fumbled for something in my purse, sure our neighbor must know we had been talking about him.

BRIAN: This cupcake is nasty.

ME: So don't eat it.

BRIAN: I paid five bucks for this thing. I'm damn well going to...

This time, we both openly stared as Mr. Dumbass got up, put on his beret and stepped outside, leaving his stuff where it was.

BRIAN: Okay, maybe this is like one of those Dateline things.

ME: What, like To Catch a Predator?

BRIAN: Yeah. Except instead of child molesters, they're trying to get petty thieves.

ME: Could be. I'm guessing he's just a little too trusting, though. Either that, or he's a major pothead, and has fried all the brain cells that should be reminding him to pick up his stuff.

BRIAN: Well, are you ready to get out of here? I can't stand to watch this anymore.

ME: I kind of feel like we should stay and guard his stuff...

BRIAN: Oh, come on. Don't be such a girl scout. We've only got four hours till we have to pick up the kidoodle.

ME: Okay, fine. You're right. I hope no one takes anything, though.

BRIAN: Well, he has only himself to blame if they do.

So we left. But I'm still wondering if we were being filmed for a Public Access TV version of Dateline... I'll keep you posted. Now head over to Mama Kat's to see what the other Workshoppers did this week.

16 comments:

  1. lol....i do it all the time. except with my kids...now there i draw the line

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  2. Dude...that's so stupid of him to do that! But I love this conversation between you too. Made me feel like I was sitting there with you!

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  3. Love the conversation.
    Hmm. I wonder if his stuff did get stolem.
    some people.
    You most live in a ghost town. At least there are people like you to watch his stuff.
    lol.
    Your honey really ate the nasty cupcake? i would have never...Gross. I'd demand something better.

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  4. I was thinking the same thing... like you were being watched as a social experiment.

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  5. I would have stayed and guarded. I'm just too much of a Girl Scout.

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  6. Maybe it wasn't even his stuff to begin with and he was just taking over the seat with all the extra perks but was honest enough not to take the perks home. The real owner may still be in the bathroom, bad cupcake :)

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  7. This is so funny! He really is trusting!

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  8. There was totally a hidden camera in the beret!!

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  9. I lived in a small town for a few years where you could do stuff like that. People would even leave their vehicles running in the grocery store parking lot, windows down, doors unlocked. At first it seemed so odd, but I must admit I miss it now that I live in a bigger town.
    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I love your layout!

    Kristi, Live and Love...Out Loud
    @TweetingMama

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  10. Oh well, we left our garage door open last night and the police came in to leave a note on our car. "We noticed your garage was open. Let us know if anyone took anything." (or something more official - you get the idea)

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  11. My Dad was a police officer...I never leave anything unlocked or sitting out anywhere. My brother played ice hockey in Kalamazoo and another small town in Canada and he used to leave hi keys in the car! Should I mention that with all of my locking up...my car was stolen.

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  12. My husband is so security conscious ... he would freak out too. He can't stand it when our neighbors leave their house unlocked and drive away. But then it is people like us who sit there and worry about their stuff for them!

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  13. I hate it when I feel responsible for other people's stuff like that! It used to be the neighbor kids. They'd be playing by the road, no parent in sight and I always felt like I had to watch them.

    I'll keep an eye on Dateline.

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  14. That's too funny :-)Switzerland is the only place I've ever lived in where you can actually leave your jackets and stuff and not be afraid of people stealing them. Nuts. But kin of cool, too :-)

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  15. So I remember reading once that you are a copywriter. . is that right? And then I got an email today from a writing website suggesting I make more money than Oprah writing letters to send in junk mail. . . . is that what you do? And how? I would LOVE to write all day for a living - even if it is to get people to sign up for that 0% interest capital one card. . . .

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  16. That's hilarious. I'm the kind of trusting idiot who will just leave all my stuff sitting there and then be like hm, I wonder if someone would take it?

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