Monday, January 25, 2010

Seven More Things No One Tells New Moms.

Back before Tori was born, I thought I knew it all. Then, about three weeks in, I realized I knew nothing. At about six months, I started to get a little more confident, and at almost seven months, I thought I knew enough to warn other mothers-in-waiting.

Oh, how naive I was (and still am, I'm sure). It turns out, Tori only had more surprises in store for me. So here they are—seven more things no one dares to tell new moms.

The more your baby eats, the worse her poop will smell. Yeah, I know. Even at the best of times, baby poop isn't an aroma you'd want to bottle and sell as perfume. But once you start in with the "real" foods? Her diaper will begin to smell like trash that's been left too long in the sun. Mmmm, trash.

All those food rules? Aren't worth the paper (or computer screen) they're written on. I know. You're only supposed to introduce one new food every five days. They're only supposed to have fruit after they've eaten vegetables. Sugar is the enemy. Right. There are only so many times you can watch your kid purposely vomit up a food she finds nasty (yes, really) before you start to bend the rules.

You only think you want your baby to crawl.  Sure, it sounds like a good idea. Who wouldn't want their child to be able to move themselves from place to place, grabbing their own toys and making their own fun? Any parent who wants to stay sane, that's who. Once your baby learns to crawl, you will never sit down again. Ever.

Think carefully before teaching her a game. She will want to play it endlessly. Jumping up from behind the couch to play Peekaboo is fun the first 500 times. As is Walk-Around-The-House-Holding-Mommy's-Hands. And Chase the Kitty? Hours of fun. Eventually, though, your body will have had enough. But your baby? Can play these games forever. She doesn't even have kneecaps.

Two years is a looooong time to go without relying on ye old boob tube for some free babysitting. The American Academy of Pediatrics says kids shouldn't see any TV until their second birthday. Supposedly it slows their development and all that. But, you know what? I don't believe those Academics have ever had to take a poo (oh yes I did say it) while alone in the house with a kid who refuses to sit still for more than five seconds. Unless, that is, the digital babysitter is on.

Like a puppy, your baby will chew on anything. Teething infants and teething puppies have a lot in common. They will gnaw on anything they can get their mouths around. Shelves, chairs, molding, shoulders, noses...nothing is safe. Put your antiques away, people.

You will never realize how dirty your house is until your baby starts exploring. I don't care how often how you vacuum, sweep or mop. After a day spent crawling aroound on the floor, your baby will look like a human Swiffer pad. Or is that just me? Don't answer that.

There's more. Oh so much more. But if I spill any more secrets, the lynch moms might come after me. So you'll just have to wait in suspense for the next edition of Things They Don't Tell You. Unless you have your own observations to share?

17 comments:

  1. LMAO @ human swiffer pad

    I remember really looking forward to when my oldest could sit by himself- thinking that it will be so nice for him to be able to sit up and play with a toy, staying in one place...and then the little booger learned to crawl before he could sit up!!!

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  2. One word - drool, the kid is like a mini St. Bernard. Just as cute, not as a furry, but definitely drools....

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  3. So true, so true! There are more surprises to come... you just wait. But it's all part of the wonderful joyful experience of parenthood. You wouldn't trade it for the world, would you?

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  4. What!!! Your baby will watch TV, mine has no interest whatsoever. Although I am sure its only a matter of time.....

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  5. LOL! Funny post. So true. Swiffer baby. Yeh my 2 yr old LOVEs mickey mouse club...
    I'm tired and its late so Im not sure of any more lies those ppl tell us moms....

    Can't wait to hear some of yours tho. If there is a part 2.
    I also like the digital babysitter...

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  6. Can I add some? Some I discovered in the past week?

    1. Babies will sleep in their own vomit, unbeknownst to you, until you open their bedroom door to check in on them for a final kiss goodnight and you retch from the smell.

    2. Babies will eat dog food if it's out and you're not watching.

    3. Inevitably, in the bathroom, while you are trying to poo, the babe will immediately go for the plunger next to the toilet.

    4. Babies will bump their heads, get an "egg" and it will go away. Promise.

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  7. Hahaha...you're right on the money with these. Oh yes...you have many more surprises ahead of you.

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  8. I would add that people are way to politically correct these days to point out that potty training may be difficult, but waiting is not a good strategy. Once that poo started going in the potty, I couldn't believe that there are people that would still deal with it in a diaper. Seriously, has anyone seen a 3 1/2 year old go lately? Not meant for a diaper.

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  9. i caved at like 6 months with the tv. otherwise, nothing would ever have gotten done. and the baby food thing...pfft! i did the wait three days before introducing new food and vegetables first thing for a little bit then quickly got over it. everyone turned out just fine!

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  10. I have to admit, I let my son watch TV (kid shows of course) before he was even 1. And I don't buy the BS that says it will slow their development - my son reads at a 3rd grade level and he's 6. He's also a straight A student. Whatevs.

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  11. You nailed these! Especially the dirty house one.

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  12. I tried to stick to the no TV until 2 rule too. That is, until we started potty training. The kiddo will sit for 30-60 minutes at a pop, and will stay until he has gone. He actually wants to do it. Heck, if it works, I'm going to keep doing it. So there AAP.

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  13. So glad I'm not the only one to notice these things...

    Here's another one. Your baby will wait until she has a fresh diaper to poop. Am I right?

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  14. Let's just say my baby didn't watch any TV the first year. After about 13 months, I might have maybe encouraged her to watch some TV. I think it's fine because my baby is so obviously advanced that slowing her development won't do her any harm (at least that's what I tell myself).

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  15. Heh heh. Walking is worse than crawling. I tried knocking over Little Miss when she started running (she skipped walking) at 9 months. It didn't work. But I'll admit that I tried. Ahem.

    You quickly develop "home rules" that are far more disgusting than the "public rules" you pretend are your actual rules when people see what your child is doing ;)

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  16. Fantastic rules.

    The American Academy of Pediatrics can shove it. They've always bothered me with all their rules.

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  17. I really liked this post. It amazes me too what my babies will come up with...They are 3 & 2 now (11 mos. apart). The latest thing is, when they see me changing or anything that shows a body part they start screaming and laughing, "I see your boobies." OMG-The horror, LOL!!!

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