Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Top Ten Reasons I Deserve to be Called a Scary Mommy.


When issuing the news that I was going to have a baby, I got lots of hugs, heard lots of squeals and fielded lots of excited questions. But I also saw the sideways looks. The ones that said, “She? Is going to be a Mommy? That’s a little scary.”

I had a bit of a reputation for being a drama queen. And a klutz. And, I might as well admit, a little self absorbed. The people around me wondered if I’d be able to rise to the challenge of being a mother.

Well, it’s only been a little over six months, but I’m told that so far, I seem to be doing a decent job. But that doesn’t mean I’m any less scary. I’m sure I could come up with hundreds of reasons that I deserve the title, but I doubt any of you have the stomach to hear them all.

So, instead, here are the top ten reasons I deserve to join the ranks of Scary Mommies.

Being the exhausted mother of a small child has only enhanced my klutziness. I’m constantly tripping over my feet, bumping into immovable objects, and, of course, falling. I made it a whole six months without crashing with Tori in my arms…but that was it. Fortunately, she wasn’t hurt, for which I count my lucky stars, but it’d be better for all of us if she learns to walk early.

I have been known to (gasp) nap with her in my arms. Every new mom is told countless horror stories of parents who sleep with their children, only to accidentally suffocate, or worse, crush them while they doze. But for a long while there, the only way I could get any Zs at all was if I cuddled her close to me. And now? Now, I just crave the closeness. There’s nothing like the feel of a sleeping baby to send you off to dreamland.

It’s awfully hard to stay awake during those late night feedings. I admit it. I’ve occasionally (okay, maybe slightly more often than that) drifted off to sleep while feeding her. Then I start awake, the bottle dripping down the side of her face and on to her sleeper. Luckily, she usually falls asleep too…

Speaking of feeding, I didn’t breastfeed her. I tried. Oh, how I tried. But Tori? Was having none of it. When I gave her my boob, she would scream and scream and scream until I felt like screaming too. Finally (although far too soon according to the Breastfeeding Nazis), I gave up. It was either switch to bottles or go insane, and I chose sanity. I’m told that automatically makes me a bad, if not scary, mommy.

I routinely subject her to ridiculously long photo sessions. Growing up, no one seemed to know where any of my baby pictures were. In fact, my brother assured me the lack of photographic evidence was proof that I was adopted. So Tori? Constantly has a camera in her face.

But seriously, with a mug like hers, how could I resist?

I have an unhealthy obsession with dressing her in cute clothing. Have you seen the adorable baby clothes out there?  And they’re cheap, too (at least the brands I buy). The poor kid sometimes gets her outfit changed three or four times a day, just because I like to giggle over how ridiculously cute she is. It’s no wonder she’s developed a tendency to fuss whenever I put her on her changing table.

My own appearance has taken a turn for the worse. Leaving the house in mismatched socks and without makeup isn’t exactly a new thing. But now that the majority of my morning is devoted to caring for her, I often later find that I’ve neglected to do something essential—like put on deodorant, or properly button my shirt. My hair hasn’t been cut since I went back to work, and my eyebrows? Well, let’s not talk about my burgeoning mono-brow. I only hope I can get it together before she’s old enough to notice.

I’ve become one of “those” mothers. You know the ones. The ones that are convinced that their babies are, in fact, the smartest, most advanced infants to ever walk, er, crawl, er, roll on the face of the earth? Yeah, that’s me. I swell with pride at every check-up when the doctor tells me she’s doing things that are months beyond where she should be. I think she’s the next Einstein. Only she’ll have better hair.

I just can’t get enough of her. When I’m away too long, I get an actual, physical craving for the feel of her little body. I need to see her smile to keep my sanity. In my cube, I have a bulletin board dedicated to pictures of her…a coworker recently told me I might be a wee bit obsessed. She’s like crack, that baby is.

I’m actually considering inflicting my mothering abilities on another baby. Not any time soon, of course. But she’s brought so much joy into my life, I can’t help but think that giving her a brother or sister? Might actually be the best idea I ever had.

And that’s why I’m a Scary Mommy. Anybody still with me? Because I could go on…Just kidding. I won’t. That would be really  scary. Now head on over to the real Scary Mommy's blog, and tell her that I should win her Scary Mommy contest.

After all, if I win that Flip camera? I can post all kinds of adorable videos of my gorgeous kiddo. Or not. If you'd rather I didn't.


  1. All of those things sound perfectly normal to me - I must be scary too :)

  2. Totally hear ya sister on the scariness - guess I am too. P.S. I bought that super cute hat at Children's Place. I bet Tori would be super cute in it! More pictures please!

  3. So I tried to comment on 'banishing the Baby Belly' but it wouldnt let me. And bc I am incredibly computer stupid. So I'm leaving it here. . . . I'm on the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. Day 3. And it is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY KICKING MY BUTT. But at least I feel guilt-free with my ice cream and Halloween candy!

  4. Hi, it's Amanda from The Beet Goes On . . . nice to (virtually) meet you, too.

    In answer to your questions: lots of street dogs hang out in the Moscow Metro. I've seen them sleeping in the lobby areas, but I've also seen train doors open and a dog exit. I'm told some do ride it and seem to know where they are going.

    Re babushkas: I don't generally draw their fire. The person who stopped me about my kid with no coat was a man. I find the Russians LOOK really intense and hostile in public, but it doesn't take much to crack that facade.

  5. Oh Amber, this is nothing.

    Maybe I should tell you about the time I knocked on a stranger/neighbor's door to shove a bag of dog poop into his hands because he didn't pick up after his pooch. While I was 8 months pregnant.

    Or the time I reamed out a florist over the phone because they came to take back flowers they had mistakenly delivered to my office. Who does that to a woman on her anniversary?

    Or the time I almost got into a fight with a woman at a music festival for jumping in line.

    Or the time I told off a guy who butted in front of me at a hotel check-in desk to complain about service.

    Amber, you're not scary, you're cute. Me, on the other hand, I might be up for a Psycho Mommy award...

  6. Stopping by from SITS!!! Good luck winning. Headed that way! I could use your vote as well on another thing! Head over to my blog to find out how and while you are there you can enter three fabulous giveaways!

  7. Miss E, you totally need to go write your own entry. I'm cracking up over here!

  8. I know, right? Yeah... I'm creating a non-mommy blog about me, Miss E. But I need to work on a title. Man, it's hard.

  9. Great post! I am so with you on ALL your points. Good job! thanks for stopping byb my blog!

  10. I loved this post! :) The moment I became a mother, I was one of “those” mothers. I totally think my kids are far superior in every which way. Do all mothers feel like this, or is it just us?

  11. i used to nurse my kids and fall asleep while my ginormous udders smushed the poor babies. and sometimes, i slept with my baby in the middle of me and my husband.
    it's a wonder they made it.
    excellent post!!
    good luck!!

  12. Falling asleep - I swear nursing my babies put me to sleep. I was so afraid I would crush them! Great list and what a beautiful baby!

    It's great to find all these fellow scary mommies! I am now following!

  13. Great post! I can relate to almost every point. And what a cutie! I'd be branding her the cutest, best baby, ever, too!


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