Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Blahs, or Something Worse?

 I published this post. Then deleted it. Now I'm publishing it again, even though I'm a little bit afraid to...please don't judge me too harshly.

Tonight as we were walking the dog, my husband threatened to make me go to the shrink. He says I'm doing nothing but beating myself up these days...a sure sign that my lovely friend Depression is attempting to make a comeback.

I was shocked to hear him say that.

I mean, sure, I sometimes question my ability to be a good mom (out loud). I wonder if I'm doing everything (or anything) right. I worry that I work too much. That I'm not exciting enough. That I'm feeding her too much (or too little). That I don't bathe her enough. You name it, I worry about it.

But that's normal for a new mom. Right?

Then there's the disparaging remarks I make about my flabby ass body, my cooking skills (or lack there of), my inability to keep a clean house, get caught up on laundry, or do anything at all worthwhile...

Sounds pretty damning, I know. But confidence has never been my strong point.

And, of course, I'm tired all the time. Even after getting a good night's sleep. And I have no energy, or desire to do much of anything other than care for my daughter. Even gardening (normally one of my favorite therapeutic activities) seems like too much work.

But we can still blame it on the new mom thing, right?

How 'bout the sudden fits of tears?

Or the voice in the back of my mind that tells me Tori won't love me? And that Brian is going to get sick of me? And that I'm just a downright bad person?

Damn it. He might be right. I might need to address this before it becomes a real issue...

Have I mentioned how much I hate it when he's right?

6 comments:

  1. I blame a lot of things on being a new mom. I haven't gone running on over a week. I know, it has been hot... but I have been tired as all hell. In fact, I just asked Jason "When will I not be so...tired???"

    If you've dealt with depression before, you know the warning signs... but sometimes, it takes someone else to point them out to you. You are wrapped up in new mommyhood, and working...it's no wonder you feel out of control on some things like the house, cooking... all that stuff.

    Okay, I'm going back to sleep now.

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  2. You are a great wife and mother and I just want to see you happy.

    Love you.

    ME

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  3. I think it is brave of you to talk about here. The new mom thing is hard, I understand where it is hard to judge what you are feeling. Kevin and I would sit and read the lists comparing baby blues to postpartum to try to determine where I was at (I had ransom crying fits as well for a while). I am glad you and Brian talk about everything also!

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  4. I've been following your blog since before Tori was born. I'm married to David Thrasher (formerly of Finelight). I know exactly what you're talking about. I often worry that Myra doesn't love me. You're not nuts. I'm not nuts. We're normal, and talking about it can only help.

    You and I are lucky...we have wonderful, supportive spouses who want to see us happy.

    Good luck. I'll keep reading.

    Holly

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  5. Thanks, everybody.

    Erica, I hope you got some sleep.

    Steph, Holly, you're right. We are lucky to have supportive spouses. It's good to know I'm not alone...

    I'm feeling a bit better today. Wednesday was an especially dark day. But I'm very glad I'm not the only one who feels that way.

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  6. Being a mommy of young kids is challenging. Especially until they sleep through the night! Keep up the great communication with your hubby - I'm sure he loves you no matter what and is only trying to help.

    Your daughter adores you! But I relate totally -- what will my children think of me when they go out in the world and discover I'm not June Cleaver?!?!!?! LOL

    And FYI, sometimes "baby blues" can have happen after the newborn phase... I struggled with some depression when my second child was between 4 and 8 months old... Sometimes just getting through the day was a challenge...

    Keep communicating, keep loving your family, and remember to pray! :)

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