Monday, July 27, 2009

Five Things You Should Never Ask a New Mom.

Back in the days B.T., I attempted to educate the world on how not to speak to a pregnant woman. I'm not sure how effective it was, but I felt better. And now? Now I'd like to teach you how not to talk to a new mom. So here it is, the list of things I don't ever want to hear you ask a woman with a newborn ever again.

Are you getting any sleep? Hmmm, let's see. I have a baby who needs to eat about every three hours or so. Said feeding takes about an hour. Then there's the diaper changing, and the calming of the baby, and the rocking. That takes another hour. That leaves, let's do the math, an hour! A whole hour in which to sleep. And that's if I don't have to eat, or pee, or shower, or wash some dishes so there's some utensils to eat with! Short answer? No. No I am not. Thanks for reminding me.

Are you breastfeeding? Excuse me? Since when is what I do with my boobs any of your business? And what are you going to do if I say no? Turn into a breastfeeding nazi and tell me how I'm damaging my child? I bet you will. Which is why I'd really rather not answer such a personal question, if it's all the same to you.

Are you sure you should be (fill in the blank)...I can't tell you how many people started a sentence that way in my first weeks as a mom. Absolute strangers told me I shouldn't have my baby out in public. That I wasn't dressing her warmly enough. That I was holding her wrong. The list goes on and on. And you know what? I was already completely paranoid and unsure of myself. I really didn't need this "helpful" advice. So next time you find yourself starting a sentence that way? Can it.

Aren't you going to stay home with the baby? I've heard that question asked just about every way you can phrase it. And it never fails to make me mad. No, I am not staying home. As much as I would like to, I'd like to keep a roof over my baby's head more. So please stop making me feel like a horrible human being—I'm already conflicted enough.

And here it is. The very worst thing you can ask a new mom. Are you ready?

When are you having another one? Seriously? This one can't even hold her head up yet, and you want to know when I'm going to do this again? Un freaking believable. Here's a head's up. If the baby's under a year old, the mom hasn't had time to forget how horrible the whole thing was. Don't ask about her plans for further procreation. 'Kay?

On behalf of all the tired, frustrated, in-over-their-heads new mothers in the world, I thank you for your attention to this matter.


  1. Ah, the breastfeeding question...even as a nursing mom, I hated this question. I always said "Yes, I'm feeding her" and got some very confused looks...he, he.
    Seriously, I just don't get why someone feels this is public information. So strange to me...

  2. I remember when son #1 was 6 wks old, having a crotchity old supermarket employee ask me "Don't you think he was far too young to be taking him out in public." Never been so angry! There was a "cleanup" needed on aisle five immediately after.

  3. Whewwww. I haven't blown it yet!! My "favorite" question when your cousins were babies, was... Are they twins?

  4. I hated it when people asked if there was anything they could do to help, but didn't really mean it.

    I had a "friend" who came over to "help" me and I was totally thinking of either, she would do a load of laundry for me, make some lunch or something OR maybe I could do those things, while she snuggled with the baby (I'm not completely dilusional - that's why people really come to see you).

    Oh, no. She came over and expected to chit chat the whole time and actually looked annoyed when I had to tend to the baby. That's not helping!!!

  5. Oh, and one more thing.

    When Hubby comes home and says, "So what did you do all day?"

    He's lucky he isn't buried in the back yard.

  6. About 4 weeks after Bea was born, I was at the post office buying lots of stamps to mail out her birth announcements.

    The guy at the counter said " Mailing a lot of stuf? "
    I said, "Yes, they are birth announcements." He replied: "When are you due?"

    EXCUSE ME????

  7. Erica, I never, ever use this acronym, but I am, indeed, LMFAO. Did you smack the jerk wad? That's awful, but hilarious.

  8. Amen. Mine said that too, until he spent a month home with the little beast. He understands now...

  9. I couldn't get too mad at him... he is a middle aged guy with photos of his dachshunds on his counter and he was listening to Howard Stern asking me if I thought Artie was in serious trouble.

    From one Stern fan to another, I looked beyond the ridiculously stupid question. I did, however, call him out on it. He awkwardly tried to back peddle.


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