Thursday, July 16, 2009

Damn.

Call it a mood swing. Call it waking up to reality. All I know is that when I got home this evening I fell into one heck of a funk. Why?

Because that's when it hit me. This being a working mom thing is permanent. From now on, I'll only get snatches of Tori time. A few sleepy cuddles stolen in the morning. A couple hours of play time in the evening. Of course, on the weekends, I can have her all day, but there will always be other things to do - chores, gardening, social outings...we can't put the rest of our lives on hold forever.

There are going to be a whole lot of things I miss. She might take her first steps when I'm not there. Or say her first word. Or...well, the list is endless.

When she gets older, I won't be there when she gets off the bus in the afternoon. Won't be the one to take her to soccer practice. I won't even always be able to kiss her good night.

And you know what? That sucks.

I know she'll be just fine without me. And that it's the quality of time we spend together, not the quantity, that counts. And that this is the bargain I made when I got pregnant. Some of my stay at home mom friends even tell me I'm lucky - that I'll appreciate her more because I won't see her as much.

But right now, I don't care. I just want to mourn the life I'll never have. So tonight, I'll sulk. And tomorrow? I'll put my happy face back on and celebrate the life I am lucky enough to call my own.

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